I stayed up all night to watch the sun come up, the light spilling across the sky as though some celestial elbow had knocked into the sun, tipping it over. It was pretty and calming; I contemplated it while I ate oatmeal with banana slices. By the time I got to my eight am class, … Continue reading »
My body image is terrible today; I feel awful about myself and my appearance, like I’m some sort of frumpy, pudgy lump o’ shit. Couple that with returning to the environment where I had been the most active in my behaviors, the ground zero of my eating disorder.. oy. Not a good mix. Today I … Continue reading »
Day 14 – Think about yourself one year ago. How have you changed? A year ago I had just started my recovery journey. I was struggling a little more than I am now, and was still using drugs, alcohol, and sex as an escape from the turbulence I was feeling inside. Now, I’ve learned better … Continue reading »
Last weekend I went to the bars with a boy I used to know. He got drunk and a little handsy, but since we have a history together – and I’m always so desperately needing that coveted validation – I didn’t stop him. He said how much he wanted me, how good it was to see me … Continue reading »
My therapist wants me to start keeping a food journal again, to track my patterns of restricting and binge eating. I’ve been slipping recently.. not consciously (or at least not that I’m willing to admit), but slipping nonetheless. My body image and self esteem have taken huge dips recently and I suppose it’s triggered some … Continue reading »
You know what they say: all good things must come to an end. My latest relationship was no exception, because last night The Boy ended things. It blindsided me and I’m still pretty confused about it because it seemed to come out of nowhere. (Or maybe I’m just really oblivious.) At first, I was upset. … Continue reading »
I’ve lost weight. I haven’t weighed myself in months (still don’t own a scale) but I know my body and it’s been changing: my stomach is getting smaller, there’s the teeniest of gaps between my thighs, and my ribs are bucking against my skin. That old intoxicating thrill is bubbling up inside me, and it’s threatening to … Continue reading »
One time, on the radio, some guy said he had an employee call in sick citing “a touch of malaise” as his reason. It seemed so silly and vague at the time, and it became sort of an inside joke between my dad and I, something that we say when we aren’t feeling well. Well, … Continue reading »
