Sunday was the Baltimore NEDA Walk, where I walked with a group of women from treatment as well as a couple of my family members; we called ourselves StrongHer. I couldn’t be more proud of my team – we raised over $3,600 for NEDA, making us the top team in fundraising. The girls (and my dad) rock – we really came together and kicked some ass, and I think doing the walk was a really big step in our recoveries. It was a public acknowledgment of our drive to support one another and it strengthened our personal commitments to our own health – all wonderful things. Needed things.
The walk gave me a high of good feelings, but they didn’t last very long. When I saw the pictures from the walk later that day, I got upset: I thought I looked awful. And it wasn’t just that I looked awful, but rather that I had been happy and having fun in total ignorance of my appearance. The eating disorder’s voice was kicking up like a howling wind in my head, drowning out the rational thinking and coping skills I learned in treatment: How dare I be happy, especially while looking so terrible? I should be embarrassed. I don’t deserve to be happy, not while my stomach bulges and my skin is breaking out and my face looks full. Other people can be happy, yeah, but not me. Not when I look like such a goddamn fool.
These past couple days I’ve struggled hard: aside from my eating disorder symptoms, I’ve had urges to self harm again and to act out in other ways, anything to “punish” myself for being what I feel is a disappointment, anything to dull or escape these feelings. I am really overwhelmed by my weight gain and don’t know how to cope with it in a healthy way; I can’t look at myself in the mirror without loathing what I see. It’s tortuous, and the worst part is that it’s all in my head.
But that means I can change it, right?
Our team rocked! I felt exactly the same when I saw the pictures. But the truth is, we DID have a good time and no one was focused on how we looked – besides our awesome shirts. :) I can guarantee no one else was/is thinking what you were/are thinking. We tear ourselves apart way more than anybody else ever could.
You’re totally right, Jen – we had an awesome time, and no one was looking at our appearance. If anything, they were looking at how jazzed up we were to be there! For what it’s worth, I think you looked great and healthy and happy.. I think we all did, really. Hopefully we can see that for ourselves soon, but until then we’ll just have to trust each other :p
xxox
hey, i havent been real diligent in reading your posts, but this one had caught my eye. i am close friends with one of the girls in your photo. being an outsider looking in, and also relating to these feelings of shame, in this picture, i see pure excitement and happiness and a sense of accomplishment.
in your city’s neda walk, we had marya hornbacher be our keynote speaker and she also walked… i felt horrible about seeing the pictures taken, but then i had to remember the joy and sense of hope i felt on the day.
keep yourself safe little one, and be gentle with yourself.
namaste, L.
i meant our, not your city’s neda walk. lol
Word, that’s awesome that you’re friends with one of my teammates – small world!
Thank you for sharing your own experience with the walk.. it’s important to focus on those feelings of joy and hope, and not berate ourselves with how we [perceive ourselves to] look. Because you’re totally right – it is an incredibly joyous and hopeful event, and how often are you surrounded by people on parallel journeys to your own? Not very. So it’s an experience to really value and cherish. (Also — way cool that Marya Hornbacher was there & that she walked with you all. She’s like, one of the biggest prophets of the eating disordered.)
I’m trying to stay safe, and open. I hope you’re doing the same.
xxox
well, im here if you need someone to talk to… i am on the complete opposite side of the country, but im here…
Thank you, that means a lot L!
i meant our, not your city’s****
Congrats on the fundraising and the walk! I still struggle with the gain and it’s been ages… but I also know that what my head tells me isn’t true, so even when I *feel* that way, I just keep reminding myself that it is the disorder. I hope that even if you don’t feel happy with your image that you remember that it is just a feeling and it will pass. Your happiness and health depend on it :) Much love and support to you. xo.
Thanks, lady! Your support means so much. I hope you’re doing well!
xxox