There have been a lot of changes going on, a lot of adjusting to new things and saying goodbye to old ones, and I’m trying to cope without falling back on my eating disorder. It’s been difficult because it’s soo, so easy to make excuses for not eating: I had a lot of schoolwork last week and I needed to work through mealtimes; since I’m discharged from treatment I no longer need to be accountable for my meals; I was so busy moving out of my apartment in Vermont that I didn’t have time to sit down and eat. I’m not consciously choosing to restrict, although I’m not consciously choosing to eat, either.
This whole being discharged thing hasn’t been as smooth a transition as I thought it would be. It’s hard to make time for food on my own; when I was in treatment I had food presented to me with no choice but to eat it, but now it’s all up to me to make the meals and I don’t want that responsibility. I’ve avoided it. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in a while and my cabinets are obstinately bare and mocking: You were a failure at your eating disorder, and now you’re a failure in recovery. You can’t do either one right – you might as well give up and give in.
I don’t want relapse – trust me – but I’ve definitely been backsliding in the one week since discharging from treatment. My motivation to recover is diluting into a sort of apathy as I focus on everything but my health: my schoolwork, my job, and my social life are all coming first while my meals are being pushed back until I “get around to it.” I need to switch my priorities around. Like, big time. I need to remember what I’m fighting for, what these months of treatment have been all about.
I’m making some proactive moves: after writing this post, I’m going to order groceries (I get them delivered because I don’t drive); I’m eating lunch with my sister; I’m going to a support group tonight; I’ve got my weekly therapy appointment tomorrow. Hopefully these will help get me back in the right direction, or else I’m afraid I’m going to be slipping fast. And that’s not an option.