It’s official – I’m discharging from the partial hospitalization program (PHP) on Tuesday and transitioning into the intensive outpatient program (IOP) on Wednesday!
I’m looking forward to the change because IOP will give me a little more independence than PHP: instead of being on a locked unit twelve hours a day, seven days a week, I’ll be on a more open one for four hours a day, four days a week; I’ll be eating one meal on the unit as opposed to three; I’ll be weighed twice a week instead of daily. (These are all GOOD things!)
Overall, I’m pretty excited; I feel ready. PHP has gotten overcrowded and there’s a lot of drama on the unit – I’m ready to get away from that and better focus on myself. IOP will give me the chance to have a life outside of treatment and I can finally do things like look for a job, spend time with friends and family, prepare for classes in the fall.. I feel like I haven’t been able to do much of anything since June when I was first admitted, and I’m super stoked on this change.
Last night I collapsed a bit, though. I’m really uncomfortable with my weight gain and my appearance; I broke down in tears, sobbing to my sister how much I hate my body and how guilty I feel for putting our little family through this. I’m really worried about IOP and how well I’ll be able to stay on track with all this new freedom – I don’t want to let my family down or mess things up for myself any more than I already have. And I’m really really worried about gaining more weight on the current meal plan, because I’m over my goal weight and I’m scared that the numbers will only get higher. My sister consoled me, handed me tissues, and eventually my tears turned to sniffles and we sat on our front porch in a comfortable silence, watching the nightlife buzz outside of our quiet bubble. I slipped into a contented peacefulness (my sister has that effect on me), and then I went to sleep.
It’s a new day today, and a better one. The thoughts of negative body image are still there but I’m making the effort to challenge them, to remind myself that I’m healing. It’s a process and process implies forward movement, which I’m definitely making with my transition into IOP. So – there it is. Here’s to a good move next week!
Today’s mantra: Positive energy follows positive thought.