Yesterday I laid on the roof and watched the planes fly overhead, and I wondered lazily about the people inside them: Where were they going? What were they thinking? Were they looking out the window, down at the rooftops, and could they see the little speck that was me?
Sometimes I feel like my problems and anxieties are so overwhelming, that no matter what someone will be judging me. When I go out in public, I feel like I’m not supposed to be there – I’m not fit to be seen by anyone because I look so bad. I feel as though everyone is automatically judging me; I project my insecurities onto them, assume what they must be thinking about me, and then react accordingly – in a way, I’m creating my own self-fulfilling prophecy. If I act on the defensive people probably won’t like me, so I’m spared a modicum of misery through the security and comfort of already assuming the worst. (It makes sense in a sad, roundabout sort of way.)
But other people – the people in the airplanes, the people here on the ground – have a lot on their minds, too much to really care about my stomach, my arms, my legs. They’re thinking about what to make for dinner, a conversation they just had, whether or not they left the stove on.. and if they are thinking about my body, then so what? Really, so what? It’s my body and my life to live. All that matters to me – all that should matter – is that I’m happy with myself.
I’m still struggling with body image and social anxieties, but I’m working on them with my individual therapist in treatment. I think it’s getting a little better. Every time I catch myself thinking a negative thought, I try to challenge it with a positive one. I’m trying to walk a little taller, look the world in the eyes instead of just staring at the ground. I deserve to be here, I deserve to go outside and enjoy myself. It doesn’t matter what my mind tells me right now because it’s wrong, it’s not thinking clearly, and the only way to change it is to use opposite action (doing the opposite of what your emotions dictate). Confidence and self-esteem don’t grow overnight, but I think some sprouts are beginning to shoot up here and there.
What do you do to challenge your anxieties?
I really like that everytime you have a negative thought you challenge it with a positive one. This is very important… not just the challenge itself but becoming aware of the negative thoughts. We have them so habitually that when you start to notice them you realize how many are negative and it is a huge number. I think you will find that the more aware you are of them and the more you challenge with a positive thought… the negative ones will begin to go down in numbers. Also, do stand tall! We have to remember that we didn’t get our insecurities, our anxieties, our depressions overnight (as you mentioned)…so it will take time combating them until we see more of our true selves. Good job! Keep at it and you will see and feel the rewards. ♥
Muse, you’re very insightful and wise. I’m trying to stand tall – on my tiptoes, stretching my neck and my spine as far as they can go – but I’m faltering lately. It seems I do okay until I catch myself in the mirror, and then everything goes to shit. The weight gain I’m going through in treatment has me feeling trapped and without any control over my body. But! – you’re right in that these mental changes don’t happen overnight. In time I’ll be able to see my body clearer and realize that this is all for the better, and until then I’ll have to continue keeping these negative thoughts at bay. I need to commit to making the changes necessary in order to improve my overall well-being :)
Thank you for your input – it’s much appreciated as always! Much love and thanks to you, mama xxox
This is really encouraging, I’m not yet in treatment so haven’t been taught to challenge negative thoughts, or even recognise them, but the fact that you have gives me hope that i will one day too.
Sounds like you’re doing really well, well done! xx
I’m so glad to hear this, Neely! You don’t need to be in treatment to begin thinking differently, although it certainly helps (and your use of the word “yet” is encouraging that you’ll be going into treatment someday, yeah?). Google DBT techniques (dialectical behavior therapy), it’s all about learning how to cope with anxiety and stress in a more healthy, constructive way, and I’ve found it to be really helpful.
All the best with your recovery process. Remember that it’s about progress, not perfection, so be kind to yourself and be well :)
xxox