I had the day off from the unit last Sunday and it was hard in a staring-at-my-plate, blinking-back-tears kind of way.
It was my second day off (the first being Thursday a few days before) and it didn’t go very well. I didn’t plan my meals ahead of time, which resulted in a lot of anxiety and restriction during mealtime. I was manipulative and lied to my family. When they called me out on it I sat, head in hands, crying at the dinner table. I felt awful: I put my family through so much and I can’t even eat a normal meal for them. What the hell kind of person am I? (Rhetorical question.)
I cut a lot of corners and suffered for it during the next weigh-in: between Saturday and Monday morning, I didn’t gain any weight; I lost almost a pound. I was honest with my treatment team about it, though, and have made a little progress since then. After a straight week on the unit, my doc gave me the weekend off – hooray!? I’m excited to have two consecutive days to myself, but I’m also terrified by the idea. I’m worried about following the meal plan without restricting; I know it’s like “well just don’t restrict, then” but it’s not that simple, not when there’s a constant voice in your head hissing nasty little diatribes about you and your body. Not to mention the exhaustion you feel after almost a month straight of following a strict schedule of therapy, meals, and “structured leisure,” when two days off sounds like the perfect opportunity for doing (and eating) absolutely nothing.
Both my individual therapist and my doctor challenged me to get out of my apartment this weekend (“but be mindful of walking too much!”), wear more fitted clothing, and to follow the meal plan as closely as possible – three things that are hard for me to do without being accompanied by anxiety. Armed with the coping skills I learned in treatment and a solid support system of family and friends, though, I feel like I’m ready to conquer this weekend.
As my late friend Matt once told me: “Ain’t nothin’ to it but to do it.”
I hate how gripping and crippling anxiety can be. I remember I was driving on an overpass on the freeway (which scares me to death) and a full blown panic attack came on. I could have accidentally killed someone or myself because I couldn’t see, and felt like I was going to pass out.
I have faith you can accomplish your goals this weekend. Let us know how it goes. :)
Ugh, that sounds horrible! I hope you’re able to work through those moments, or at least avoid the freeway when you can. I don’t drive – never got my license – because I’m nervous about it still.
My weekend went well! I managed to keep my anxieties in check pretty much all weekend, although tonight I got pretty anxious over what was really nothing. Some deep breathing and a few Risperdol later and I’m fine, albeit a little unsettled.
I hope you’re doing well, mama! I’ve been slowly catching up on everyone’s blogs so I’ll be reading yours soon. Hope all’s well.
xxox
I understand all to well. I have gotten the severe panic attacks to stop. They stopped just as quick as they came on. It was a very bizarre experience… I still get them from time to time…but I can usually talk myself out of them and use deep breathing. It is a battle for sure.
Weekends away from the unit always excite the ED because it thinks you can “get away” with things. Just remember that you ARE NOT going to get away with anything if you act on symptoms because the sp treatment team will know. I wish I had gotten a weekend off when I was there.Just think how much better things are going to be when you aren’t on the unit anymore and can prove to everyone you can take care of yourself. I am so proud of you and I hope you realize how big your future is without ED holding you hostage.
I tried to avoid acting on symptoms but I did engage in some anyway :/ it’s so hard off the unit! I feel like a bat, blind and blinking in the sunlight of life outside the unit. I’m trying, though, and I’ve got my sister to keep me in line. I don’t want ED running the show anymore, but as you know, it’s so damn hard sometimes..
I really hope you’re doing well, Clara, and when I get more time off (I’m so busy when it’s just one or two bursts of freedom at a time) we’ll have to grab coffee or watch a movie. I’m extremely proud of you, too, and so excited for all that lies ahead of you!
All the love and good vibes
xxox