Day 11 - What motivated you to enter recovery?
At first, it was guilt. I saw how my eating disorder was affecting my family and it tore me apart: I loved them, but I also loved my eating disorder. It shouldn’t have been a difficult choice but it was. When I saw how upset and scared it made my family, I chose recovery. I just wanted them to be happy again.
Now, however, I do it for myself. I have a lot of health complications from my eating disorder, things I don’t want worsened. Things I can’t afford to have worsened, seeing as my previous health insurance dropped me and my new one isn’t any more forgiving. My eating disorder had consumed so much of my life, my thoughts, my actions.. I was a self-destructive puppet and ED was pulling the strings for almost a decade. So what’s motivating me now is living again, reclaiming my life. I’m not letting it slip by anymore.
Day 12 - What are 3 things you would like to change about yourself?
1. My legs. When I was an infant I developed lymphedema – a chronic swelling in one of my legs – and it’s seriously affected my body image and self-esteem. I’ve always been incredibly self-conscious about it, always felt like it made me less; it was one of the major reasons my eating disorder developed. Recently, I’ve made peace with the fact that I have a chronic medical condition, and am able to live with it instead of live for it. I’d still love a pair of killer legs, though. (If you want to learn more, check out my blog about living with lymphedema.)
2. My tendency to procrastinate. The infrequent posting lately is evidence enough of that. I’ve had a draft of this post saved for days and I’d work on it here and there but could never get myself to finish it until now. I’m terrible with that sort of thing but – at least when it comes to academics – I tend to do my best work under pressure. It’d still be nice to get work done on time for once!
3. My lack of self-confidence. It’s an awful thing to go through life as your own worst enemy, to self-sabotage and abuse yourself to the point where you can’t accept happiness without suspicion. I feel as though I don’t deserve the things I have or the people in my life, I don’t deserve being treated nicely, I don’t deserve love or friendship. I’d love for me to realize that I do deserve these things, and that in fact I already have them in my life.
Day 13 - Have your struggles changed you? For better or worse? Why?
Oh, yes, and definitely for the better. Struggles and mistakes are portals of discovery – they help shape you and your character. If it weren’t for all the challenges in my life, I would not be the same person. At all.