This afternoon I have an intake appointment for an outpatient therapy program. I’m nervous; I’m not convinced I need to go, but it’s important to my parents that I do. They told me to look at it as a preventive measure against relapse, because – as much as I hate to admit it – I have been slipping a little.. but I don’t think I need more than the biweekly therapy I’m already doing.
I can’t help but have those feelings of being “not sick enough” for this, just like when I was first admitted into treatment. I feel as though I don’t qualify, that the others in the program will look at me and my more or less average weight and think, “Why is she here?” I know that that’s buying into one of the misconceptions that I so adamantly lambasted but eating disorders don’t really pay attention to contradictions.
So – in a few hours I’m catching the bus to my appointment, where I’ll be answering a bunch of questions and filling out forms and looking at schedules to figure out my new outpatient plan. I’m trying to remind myself that recovery is not a linear process – you’re bound to have setbacks and backsliding, but that doesn’t equate to failure.
I’ll be sure to check in later and let you know how it all goes..