This week has been one of little sleep, lots of work, and greasy hair. I feel tired and bloated and a little nauseous; I feel gross. To top that off, I bought two pints of Ben & Jerry’s last night and am already halfway through both.
Ice cream is a trigger food for me because it was always the easiest to vomit. Gross, I know, but other purgers out there know what I mean when I say it’s almost enjoyable to get rid of. I haven’t vomited in months and that’s not going to change, but I still get those physical reactions when I eat, the automatic reflex of it rising in my throat..
In my latest foray into “How Much of a Cliché Can I Become?”, I ate two more bowls of ice cream today. I feel kind of like a failure, like those lapses in control are somehow the only indicator of just how good or bad my recovery is going. I’m still scared of gaining weight, no matter how much I say otherwise. I’m still learning how not to equate “healthy” with “fat.”
I’m trying to decompress with a mug of green tea, and a warm shower is soon to follow. Tonight I’m gonna try to get some work done and relax, maybe turn in early. Ooh, the exciting and vibrant life of a girl struggling with her recovery!
PS If any of you are M.I.A. fans, she dropped the video for her new single “Bad Girls” today and it’s the illest. I’ve watched it about ten times already. M.I.A. is such a strong female figure; I love her and her music.