It’s almost four AM and I’m still awake, tired but not sleepy and in a weird mood, feeling anxious and a little unsettled and eager to get back to Vermont because being home has been mostly stressful and claustrophobic. Everyone is asleep, my sister isn’t here, and I’m lonely but my cat won’t even sit with me because she’s too fidgety and probably hungry and only likes me because I can reach the top of the fridge where her bag of food is kept away, safe from her little teeth. I’m antsy and my natural inclination would be some sort of drug or a cigarette to make it so I don’t feel this way for a little while, to distract me from my feelings, but that’s exactly the behavior I’m trying to break, so I’m pushing through it. (Writing helps.) I am too compulsive, according to my therapist, too impulsive, too self-destructive, too many adjectives to label my behaviors like it’s some sort of excuse like “Oh, I can’t help it, I’m just compulsive,” like it’s a note pinned to my chest for my teacher to read so that I’m excused because I’m all jumbled up and weird and I’ve got a note to prove it, see? I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow so maybe some of this can be ironed out a little, but I really hate the thought of relying on more medications. I talked about meds with my family today and how I maybe want to go off of them but they pretty unanimously concluded that I should stay on them, so, I don’t know, I guess that’s what I’ll do, because my psychiatrist thinks the same thing although I think that’s because he wants the business of prescribing more pills, but I also sort of agree since I’m noticeably more on edge without the meds to balance me out. My big worry is being overly medicated, so that I’m a diluted version of myself, or that I become too dependent on the meds – but really what’s the difference between that and being overly dependent on drugs or alcohol? At least one is prescribed.

Once the sun rises, I’ll feel better, and not so manic and urgent like I do right now. Once the sun rises it will mean I got through the night without doing anything dumb and I have a new day, new start, because like I said recovery is a day by day thing and this is simply what it looks like at night. The frantic ramblings, the worrying, the complete turbulence of it all – it thrives in the dark. In the daytime, it’s different and stable and more secure, but at night, it’s all so shaky and desperate. It’s foggy.

I will be better in the morning, come sunrise. This I know for sure. But, until then – I write.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.