I have been given so many chances in my life, so many opportunities to change, but I haven’t done anything about it yet. I feel as though I’ve not only let my friends and family down, but also myself. All these second chances have been piling up, and my karma bill is running high.
Having an eating disorder for 6+ years has taken a huge toll on my life. It’s affected my relationships with the people I love, it’s ravaged my body, and it made me feel as though I was simply a passive observer in my own life. I hadn’t really been living: the disease made me reclusive, secretive, manipulative. It grew inside me like a parasite, taking over from the inside out and eating me alive. I wasn’t me anymore, just a weakened shell of my former self.
In the second semester of my freshman year of college, I was taken out of school and hospitalized for treatment. I was there for two months, living first as an inpatient on the unit and later in a halfway house with other eating disorder patients. While I was there, I was stripped of all control, all privacy and trust. Without my eating disorder, I felt like I had nothing, when really I was being given a chance to regain my life.
The universe has dealt me a difficult hand, although it has also given me strength to push forward, and to use my experiences as a way to help others and spread awareness. I am truly blessed to be alive, and to have family and friends who have stuck by me despite my not being present for almost a decade.
This blog is for them as much as it is for me. It is a way to document my journey to good health as well as hold me accountable for sticking with it.
No more chances – it’s time for change.