Still salty over last weekend. Oh, and this is what happened last weekend.

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Last weekend I went to the bars with a boy I used to know. He got drunk and a little handsy, but since we have a history together – and I’m always so desperately needing that coveted validation – I didn’t stop him. He said how much he wanted me, how good it was to see me again, and will I please dance with him? I didn’t need much convincing. On the dance floor, he pressed his forehead against mine and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling us closer. All I could hear was his breathing; it seemed for a minute as though he cared for me, that maybe I was wanted. I closed my eyes, holding on to the illusion. After the bars closed we hooked up, furtively and quickly, and then he went home to his girlfriend. I felt terrible – not for messing with their relationship, but for me. Unlike him, I have nobody to fall asleep next to, and even though I was the sober one I couldn’t help but feel that I was the one taken advantage of.

I crawled into bed that night and thought about how lonesome I really was, how dysfunctional any relationship I’ve ever had seemed to be: cheating, disrespect, constant arguing, lying, distrust.. I’m too self-destructive and the boys I end up with are usually too self-motivated that nothing ever felt genuine or particularly stable. Was it all just a bad coincidence, or is it me?

(I’m beginning to think it’s me.)

The next morning the boy had texted me an apology for having been so drunk, and repeated that it was good to see me and perhaps we should get coffee sometime. I told him I’d like that, and I like him, but he said he was taken (he followed that with a smiley face emoticon, even). It’s funny how that seemed to matter after he’s sobered up and can shrug me off like just another drunk mistake. Miffed, I called him a tease, and he said that I seem to be attracted to assholes and maybe I should look for a nice guy sometime. He was joking but I got mad anyway and we argued over text messaging for a while, but I couldn’t bear the thought of severing ties with him, so I told him I still wanted to grab coffee soon. It’s not so much him in particular – it could be any boy, I suppose – it’s just that I don’t want to be alone, and he’s the only company I have right now.

But here I am, a week later, and alone just the same.

I’ve felt so lonely and detached, and really fighting the urge to break sobriety. I wanna walk to the corner store for some beer or something but self-medication and impulse control are things we discussed in therapy yesterday, and they keep sticking their foot in the door. But, god.. I don’t want to be sober right now. I’d feel so much more comfortable and relaxed if I could be drunk or high; I could actually be around other people without feeling so dissociated from them. The way it is now, it’s like I’m some sort of visiting being observing their habits, their language. Why do I feel so alienated from people my age? Why do I feel as though I don’t belong anywhere, with anyone?

When I was a child, I forced myself to have an imaginary friend. I don’t know why – I didn’t need one, nor did I really like her. She was some sort of fairy named Rosie or something, and she wore a green velvet dress, and I’d draw pictures of her and pretend like I saw her, talked to her. It was silly and strange, but I felt I had to do it to feel connected to the other children. I forced the illusion of Rosie the same way I force illusions of other things I think I’m missing. I’m trying to assimilate, feel a part of things, but it’s taking a while.

Mostly I just feel sort of empty and estranged.

10/30- Five goals

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Day 10 - List 5 goals you have for yourself, short-term or long-term.

Short Term

  1. Eat healthily and begin working out regularly.
  2. Be happy with where I am, for me, now.
  3. Keep up with my therapy appointments.

Long Term

4. Maintain the goal weight range that the hospital had set for me.
5. Love and cherish my body for the amazing vessel that it is and what it does for me.

9/30- Role models

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Day 9 - Who do you look up to? Why?

I look up to strong intelligent females because they fight the gender bias and show that, male or female or trans or whatever you identify as, you can still kick ass and take names. I believe we live in a highly patriarchal society that puts down these exceptional people in favor of the unexceptional, and that’s absolutely criminal. The Huffington Post recently published an article titled “Female Role Models: The Absent Conversation“:

…we’re up against powerful cultural and media currents. The great post-feminist irony is that in an age of hard-won female opportunity, media is channeling that opportunity to a place of hyper-sexualized stupidity. It’s not who you are — it’s how hot you are.

Ask a young girl about the females she looks up to, and chances are good that — after family members — her list will be crowded with celebrities.

Young women at the most emotionally malleable time in their lives will naturally turn to celebrities for cues on everything from love to dress to sexuality. You don’t have to spend a lot of time wading around in the media muck to see that young females are represented by a collection ranging from sad to frightening — whose claim to celebrity is becoming a coarse side show.

Click image for larger version.

I know I’ve mentioned this before but I volunteer at a local elementary school where I am constantly seeing girls forsake the decades of fight and sacrifice by playing into these expectations of being a dumb bimbo – and they don’t even realize it. Today, a third grade girl was sent to the office for wearing a mini skirt and tall high-heeled boots. THIRD. GRADE. You can’t put all the blame on the child; someone had to buy her those clothes, someone allowed her to leave the house like that. The fact that this child – this eight year old – was dropped off at school by an adult in such inappropriate clothing is indicative of the message our culture sends to girls: to dress provocatively is not only okay but also normal and, in fact, expected.

Girls are taught through our society, culture, and media that they must be passive, submissive sex objects in order to get any sort of recognition or attention. To go against that – to be an independent, intelligent woman – is seen as threatening and therefore bitchy, unattractive, and probably (gasp!) a FEMINIST. This sends an absurdly mixed message to our girls and sets them up to fail from the get-go.

(Don’t even get me started on marketing towards female children.)

 

So, who do I look up to?

Women who abandon the expected societal norms of big breasts and pumped-up lips, women who serve as positive female role models, women who are celebrated for their achievements not because they are women but because they made a difference - THEY are who I look up to.

I’m seeing things

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I just returned from my first evening group. It’s different from the group that I go to on Saturday mornings; instead of being discussion-based, it’s more meditative and practices guided imagery and reiki therapy. For the most part, the guided imagery was relaxing. I wasn’t exactly following along with what the therapist was saying, but the combination of her voice and the ethereal music was soothing and I drifted in and out peacefully. My eyes felt sewn shut and I was completely within myself.

Towards the end, though, the visuals of gossamer whorls of color and swirling mandala were abruptly interrupted by a jarring and extremely vivid image of bugs crawling out from cracks in cement. They were scuttling, writhing, and fat – they looked real. I had an immediate physical reaction, twitching and fidgeting in my seat, but I couldn’t shake them off. I tried focusing on pushing them away and bringing back the calm, but it had the opposite effect: the bugs stayed.

What could that have meant? I’m a big believer in the power of the subconscious – of dreams and symbolism and all that – so I can’t help feeling that this is reflective of something. I think it’s just indicative of my recent struggling, of the ugly ED behaviors emerging from the cracks again. I think it’s telling me that I can’t ignore it any longer – I need to fill in the fractures and holes to strengthen my foundation before it crumbles.

6-8/30- A letter; wants & needs; turning back time

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Day 6 - Write a letter to someone who has harmed you or has made you feel bad.

It is often said that we accept the love we think we deserve, but that doesn’t excuse the way that you have treated me. I’m not some sort of doormat for you, something on which you can wipe the mud and loose dirt before you step inside. I am a person, just like you, and I need as much love and attention as you seem to give to every other girl but me. I’m breaking away for good this time, because I want you to realize I won’t always be here when you want me to. I have a life, other lovers, other interests and passions and things you never really seemed to want to be a part of, and these things make me feel alive. You.. you just made me lie dormant.

I’ve got too much to say for it to be wasted in your silence.

Day 7 - What are 2 things you want? What are 2 things you need?

Want-

  1. To regain the trust of those I’ve hurt.
  2. To stop comparing myself to others.

Need-

  1. To breathe.
  2. To get healthy.

Day 8 - If you could go back in time (before your addiction/disorder) what would you tell yourself?

“Wake up, babe. This isn’t the answer – this won’t give you what you’re looking for. This won’t make you finally able to love yourself; in fact, it will only make you hate yourself even more. It will tear you apart, inside and out. It will ruin your relationships with friends, family, and yourself, and you won’t be you anymore – you’ll just be a husk of the girl you once were, all twisted and shriveled up and brittle, the outside matching the bruised and broken ugliness on the inside.

“Don’t you realize you deserve better? Don’t you realize that you’re killing yourself? This is a death wish, one you don’t deserve, so o-p-e-n your eyes and see that YOU DESERVE happiness, good health, and love. Stop punishing yourself and instead see what you are really capable of when you put your energy towards something good.

“You are worthwhile and you deserve to love yourself back, so get out while you still can.”